25th July

 Today I tried writing, with all the vocabulary I had in my mind. And I think that kind of writing style doesn't suit me at all. I might use those heavy words when I'm writing about something passion related.

I might go to my friend's place tonight. I feel I am unable to find myself and the harder I'm trying I'm either hurting myself or the ones close to me. And I know I'm not that kind of a guy, so for now I will find my refuge in other's social sphere.

Two of my closest friends are not talking to me. I tried to know the reason, but I think my curiosity is my biggest red flag. I'm slowly working on this. I recently got to know that I come off as a totally different guy, who is not even 1% of what I truly am. There is this Bollywood song "Jo bhi main", in the whole song, the singer is telling his audience that "Whatever he wants to say from his heart, the words ruin it all ". I've been relating to this song a lot nowadays.

I had a realization that I might have ruined the best friendship I ever had with a girl, just because of the words I chose. I came off totally wrong to her and I really put her in very uncomfortable situations, of which I was unaware. Unintentionally I surrounded her with all these words which now I feel could have been avoided. I feel she thinks I have feelings for her, and that I am obsessed with her, which can be scary for a person. I made huge mistakes, I was thinking I was behaving like a normal friend, but my curiosity and choice of words might have made her feel that I feel for her in another way. Only if I could talk to her and explain her everything I might have the same old friendship I'd had with her. Only if. I had the purest form of friendship with her, with her I felt myself always.

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