26th July

 I just want to scream to the world, scream it so loud.

You've no idea how broken I feel. How worthless, unloved, and wounded. And you can't because I can't let you see this part of me.

You seem so happy, and all I want is to feel something besides this pain. I want what you seem to have.

You don't know the shame I feel in this darkness. The shame keeps it hidden. I'm embarrassed by how dark it feels.

I want you to save me, I want to seek refuge in your adobe. Please help me. Yet I can't ask. The shame quite my desires.

But I can't scream it to the world. It's more than the world can handle. Because I know. I know that you too had demons you were fighting. All I wanted to do is hold you, hug you, let you know that I'm here, but how can I? When you don't allow me to look at your other side, all I see is how happy you seem.

By "world" I mean "you, the reader".


At that moment, watching you yelling at me, I just wanted to let you know that I never planned to make you that uncomfortable, but these demons that I was fighting, sucked up all my energy, and I was not even conscious of what was I doing, what were my words and what were my actions. I just wanted to quit everything at that moment, I blamed myself for your anger and for your mood. I couldn't watch us like that. That was something I used to get nightmares of, so at that moment I just wanted to set you free from me, because I was wounded already from fighting my demons, I did not want to bring our friendship down with me.

And so, dear reader, I must confess my mistakes and offer an earnest apology. I should have bared my soul to you, like an open book, rather than allow my demons to unleash their wrath upon our bond. My cry for help was misunderstood as an argument, and for that, I am deeply sorry.
I long to retract my ill-chosen words and grant you the understanding that was rightfully yours. But time marches on, and all I can do now is extend my hand in humility and pray (pray even though I'm not religious, but for you, I will pray a thousand times) that you might find it in your heart to forgive me.

I WANNA GO BACK TO THE TIME,
WHEN YOU FIRST TOLD ME YOUR NAME.

I'm sorry.

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